Star Struck Idiots

Star struck idiots might be the most noticeable kind of idiot. They usually have wide eyes, an open mouth, and maybe even a little drool coming out. Most of all, they seem to worship the people they idolize. Most of them have no concept that these are real people. That's okay, though. Others make up for that. They know every single little fact about the person in question. Where they were born, what their favorite color is, their preferences in dating.

Star stuck idiots can be scary, especially if they reach stalker level. They can be dangerous or just plain stupid, but they fall into one of two categories: the shocked or the fanatic.

My best friend is a fanatic. She has posters of John Mayer all over her bedroom. She has every single album that he's ever made (and singles that aren't on albums). She cried when she found out about his throat surgery. I don't know what she would ever do if she met him. She would either be shocked speechless, do something illegal, or begin talking his ear off.

Shocked idiots are easy to pick out. It only ever happens when a celebrity is near. When it comes down to it, though, they have merely elevated someone to a status beyond human - put them on an unreachable pedestal even though they don't really know them. In reality, such hero worship is what makes them real idiots.

Helpless Idiots

Helpless idiots are the people who are so pitiful that they make you want to slap them. They usually can't get anything done without asking at least three people of advice or assistance. Then, if anything gets done, it takes forever and involves tons of whining and complaining.

These people usually expect handouts, whether they come from the government, family, or friends. Honestly, they don't care who these handouts come from or if the person can even afford to help them. They just know that they are entitled and think that everyone else should recognize that and fall into line.

Facebook gives me the opportunity to see more of these idiots than anything. One person wrote that she didn't have any real friends because no one would give her a car to take to North Carolina. Another person wrote that they couldn't trust anyone from a particular church because the congregation wouldn't give her money.

One post in particular that I saw this week was begging for help because she had to have sources by noon of the next day for a research paper. First of all, she didn't understand what she should have been looking for - she kept asking people to give her magazine articles. She was posting this to Facebook at 9 p.m. the  night before she had to have the sources. She never said what she was writing about, either. Trying to be helpful, I sent her a link about UNA's research consultations in the library. She responded with:

"I learn by hands on. reading does nothing for me=/ but I thank you so much for getting that for me."

Helpless idiots just don't want tools that show them how to improve things. They simply want everything to be handed to them on a silver platter.

All-knowing Idiots

These are the idiots that make themselves look horrible, and they usually take a couple of people down with them. They  know everything, and no one could possibly correct them. They don't have to do research or look anything up - God forbid! Looking something up would mean that they don't innately know the answer. Doing research is tantamount to admitting that someone knows more than they do!

I have had the misfortune of working with one or two of these people in my time. I'm sure most of us have. These people have the ability to get under my skin pretty quickly, especially if I'm trying to help them with something. They don't take advice or criticism. They think that they have it all figured out and don't need anyone's help.

Don't worry, though. These idiots are usually generous with their founts of knowledge. They feel it's their duty to impart their wisdom on the masses. It doesn't matter if their wisdom is completely wrong or that their advice is misleading people. They don't consider the consequences of giving out information that is less than stellar. Really, it's just about getting the glory in the moment. They only want you to pay attention to them and acknowledge that they are helpful and intelligent.

I suppose we could get into the psychology of this brand of idiocy of we wanted. Maybe these people were never told that they were wrong as children. Maybe they were indulged too much. Maybe they have a deep-seeded need for attention and don't care how they get it. When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter. What really matters is that we know how to distinguish these people from those who are actually able to help.

Many all-knowing idiots don't pursue higher education or don't make it all the way through. It's just because the professors are out to get them, though. After all, educators are all jealous of the sheer genius of these almighty brains. They don't want students who know more than them and could teach the class better.

If someone jumps into any random conversation that they overhear, they might be one of these idiots. They will inevitably offer advice on whatever you're talking about. After all, they are experts. They have taken a class on this or attended a conference about that. They know someone who went through the same thing or read about something similar in a magazine.

No matter how you personally choose to pick out these idiots in a crowd, just make sure that you can. Don't trust someone who can do no wrong - someone who won't admit that they don't have all of the answers. You'll wind up making yourself look like an idiot if you're not careful.

Lazy Idiots

Being a senior in college, being lazy sounds like a luxury. If I get a free day and don't have too much homework, you can bet I'll be in my pajamas all day and take a long bubble bath. I don't want to think about doing anything on days like this besides a little reading and maybe some TV. But the most luxurious, hard-to-get thing of all is that glorious sleep. It doesn't come very often when I have to stay up late doing homework or working one of my two jobs.

I'm okay with taking a lazy day every now and then, though. I feel like I've earned it. They are rare and precious because of all of the other crazy things I have going on. Other people don't know how to value something like that because they don't know what it means to actually work hard. They waste their lives on nothingness until they realize that they are past their prime and mooching off someone else. They are idiots.

This happens pretty frequently with college freshmen. They don't know what it means to put real effort into something, and it takes them completely by surprise when they don't just skim by. For many of them, they are also having to support themselves (at least partially) on a financial level for the first time. They either have to learn to adapt or drop out.

Other people never really learn that lesson. They don't try to better themselves. They don't look for work. They don't try to gain independence. They just look for handouts.

This is not meant to target any demographic or financial bracket, though. Laziness comes from all walks of life. It can appear in the form of a person who never tries to get off welfare, or it can be a rich heiress who doesn't know what it means to work for something.

Personally, I'm thinking of a family member who was fired in June for never showing up to work. He lives with my grandmother and doesn't pay rent. He helps her out around the house, but he hasn't even looked for a job. He worked at a haunted house for less than a month over Halloween, and now nothing else can compare. He was given a car, has free satellite and internet, and makes no effort to move up in life.

I just don't understand it. Yes, laziness can be great in moderation, but taking it to the extreme is just idiotic.

Movie-Going Idiots

Just about everyone loves a good movie, but a theater atmosphere is something special. After all, you don't shell out the money to see a movie if you don't plan on enjoying it. But some people just don't seem to know how to behave at movies. Quite frankly they are idiots. You might want to contest this fact, but all it takes is a look around the theater to see the glares that everyone aims at these people. Anyone who makes that many enemies in an hour and a half is clearly an idiot.

There are several types of movie-going idiots, though. I went to see The Hunger Games this weekend, and the theater was packed. Needless to say, we had several idiots in the bunch.

Group Idiots: These are most often teenagers. Usually, they are loud, obnoxious, and downright rude. They might throw popcorn or yell at each other. They are prone to kicking the backs of the chairs in front of them and talking throughout the movie. If you sit anywhere around them, you're probably not going to have a great cinematic experience.

Phone Idiots: This one is a pretty big category, mostly due to the many things people can do one their phones these days. They range from people who just won't silence their phones to the ones who text people the entire time. Some people are even bold enough to answer their phones and have conversations in the middle of the movie. The latest trend, though, is the Internet during the movies. I have no idea why you would pay to go to a movie and then sit and play on your phone while ignoring it the whole time. Nothing about phone idiots annoys me more than the bright white screen shining in your face when the people in front of you decide that they just have to check their mail and get on Facebook.


Undiscerning Idiots: Mostly, this group consists of parents who have no gauge on what their children should watch. Someone brought a child who looked to be about four or five to see The Hunger Games when I went. Why would you let your small child watch a movie about kids killing each other? Some other people fit into this category, though. They can also be people who simply know nothing about the movie that they're seeing. Questions usually follow. Loudly. They may mumble under their breath about how it isn't what they thought it was or bother the person next to them to explain the plot. It's one thing if the movie just isn't what you expected it to be, but a little research helps. At least watch the trailer!

Parenting Idiots: Yes, some of this overlaps with the undiscerning idiot category, but mostly, these idiots just bring small children to movies simply because they don't believe in hiring babysitters. It really ruins the mood of a great movie when you keep hearing a kid talking loudly or running in the aisles. The worst, though, is when they bring infants. Someone did that this weekend, and she happened to be buying her ticket right in front of me in line. She asked what the theater capacity was and how many seats were left because she "didn't want to disturb too many people." The theater was packed, but it apparently still fit into her definition of a small crowd. Granted, she did a pretty good job of taking the baby out when it started whimpering, so we never heard the full out wails. Regardless, she missed huge chunks of the movie because she chose to bring her infant with her.

The unwritten rules of movie-going are pretty standard. When it comes down to it, if you aren't courteous, you're kind of an idiot.

Dramatic Idiots

We all know the type. They are like circling piranhas, feeding on attention and drama. They don't care who they hurt, not really, but they will pretend to be your friend if it makes things more interesting. In the end, though, it's pretty easy to see through their "sweet" persona and see them for what they are - idiots.

Eventually, dramatic idiots become nomads in a way. They have no friends (all of them have been chased away by the drama) and they need to find new stomping grounds. I recently had an encounter with one such idiot. She took up residence in my church, telling everyone a sob story about her sad life to get attention, but she had something about her that always seemed off balance. She always had a baby. I mean ALWAYS. Some were from friends. Some were babies that she kept in a daycare and offered to keep over the weekend. It was really kind of creepy.

Anyway, one of the babies that she frequently brought to church was just a few days old. She told everyone how sad it was that the child's parents wouldn't take care of it and how heartbreaking it was that they let her have their daughter so often (never mind that these people were her friends and that she asked to keep the baby). One day, she told a particular lady in the church that she needed to adopt the baby. She said that the parents didn't want another child and it would be easier to do an adoption through the church.

This particular woman had been trying to have a baby for over ten years with no luck. She jumped at the opportunity, bonding with the baby and even keeping her all day while the parents were supposedly ironing out the details.

And then it all came out. The parents never wanted to give the baby up for adoption. In fact, the drama queen had never even mentioned it to them. She was just stirring up drama.

Shortly after that, the woman left our church to go to a new one with more unsuspecting victims. It makes me wonder how many times she had done something like this in the past. To the people affected by her drama, she is just another idiot looking for attention and some sense of validation.

So if you ever feel the need to wear a white gown to your friend's wedding or spread ridiculous rumors about someone, think about how idiotic it will make you look.

Designer Idiots

In my humble opinion, not much is more idiotic than having an obsession with designer EVERYTHING. I suppose it isn't so bad if you have the money and can afford to throw it away. I guess I could go off on a rant about how there are much nobler, worthier things that need your money, but I won't. No, what really gets me is people blowing their money on designer products when they really need it for something else.

You know the people I'm talking about. They live in a trailer that looks like it's about to collapse, but they have a brand new Hummer and a collector's model sports car. They get by on hot dogs and Spam but make sure that they have that Coach handbag and those Versace sunglasses.

These people are idiots. Why is it so important to have a big name on all of your crap? I get buying things of quality, but most designer swag is more about branding than quality. Sunglasses from Gucci scratch and get lost just like the ones from the dollar store. When it comes down to it, is brand name really so important that you want to give up all of the other things that you need?

I used to work with a woman who would come in bragging about all of the wonderful things that she bought on her shopping sprees. The next week, she would come in complaining about how she couldn't afford to buy diapers for her kid (a serious issue when you work at a daycare). She worked about fifteen hours a week at minimum wage, her husband wouldn't look for a job, and she had maxed out her student loan eligibility, leaving her thousands of dollars in debt. Still, she and her husband owned three nice cars and a suped up motorcycle on top of her shopping addiction.

When it comes down to it, the real idiots are those who are caught up in materialism and can't manage their money. If you want to look cute but can't afford designer clothes, learn to let go of the name brand. It's not the end of the world. Just get used to becoming Walmart chic!