Star Struck Idiots

Star struck idiots might be the most noticeable kind of idiot. They usually have wide eyes, an open mouth, and maybe even a little drool coming out. Most of all, they seem to worship the people they idolize. Most of them have no concept that these are real people. That's okay, though. Others make up for that. They know every single little fact about the person in question. Where they were born, what their favorite color is, their preferences in dating.

Star stuck idiots can be scary, especially if they reach stalker level. They can be dangerous or just plain stupid, but they fall into one of two categories: the shocked or the fanatic.

My best friend is a fanatic. She has posters of John Mayer all over her bedroom. She has every single album that he's ever made (and singles that aren't on albums). She cried when she found out about his throat surgery. I don't know what she would ever do if she met him. She would either be shocked speechless, do something illegal, or begin talking his ear off.

Shocked idiots are easy to pick out. It only ever happens when a celebrity is near. When it comes down to it, though, they have merely elevated someone to a status beyond human - put them on an unreachable pedestal even though they don't really know them. In reality, such hero worship is what makes them real idiots.

Helpless Idiots

Helpless idiots are the people who are so pitiful that they make you want to slap them. They usually can't get anything done without asking at least three people of advice or assistance. Then, if anything gets done, it takes forever and involves tons of whining and complaining.

These people usually expect handouts, whether they come from the government, family, or friends. Honestly, they don't care who these handouts come from or if the person can even afford to help them. They just know that they are entitled and think that everyone else should recognize that and fall into line.

Facebook gives me the opportunity to see more of these idiots than anything. One person wrote that she didn't have any real friends because no one would give her a car to take to North Carolina. Another person wrote that they couldn't trust anyone from a particular church because the congregation wouldn't give her money.

One post in particular that I saw this week was begging for help because she had to have sources by noon of the next day for a research paper. First of all, she didn't understand what she should have been looking for - she kept asking people to give her magazine articles. She was posting this to Facebook at 9 p.m. the  night before she had to have the sources. She never said what she was writing about, either. Trying to be helpful, I sent her a link about UNA's research consultations in the library. She responded with:

"I learn by hands on. reading does nothing for me=/ but I thank you so much for getting that for me."

Helpless idiots just don't want tools that show them how to improve things. They simply want everything to be handed to them on a silver platter.

All-knowing Idiots

These are the idiots that make themselves look horrible, and they usually take a couple of people down with them. They  know everything, and no one could possibly correct them. They don't have to do research or look anything up - God forbid! Looking something up would mean that they don't innately know the answer. Doing research is tantamount to admitting that someone knows more than they do!

I have had the misfortune of working with one or two of these people in my time. I'm sure most of us have. These people have the ability to get under my skin pretty quickly, especially if I'm trying to help them with something. They don't take advice or criticism. They think that they have it all figured out and don't need anyone's help.

Don't worry, though. These idiots are usually generous with their founts of knowledge. They feel it's their duty to impart their wisdom on the masses. It doesn't matter if their wisdom is completely wrong or that their advice is misleading people. They don't consider the consequences of giving out information that is less than stellar. Really, it's just about getting the glory in the moment. They only want you to pay attention to them and acknowledge that they are helpful and intelligent.

I suppose we could get into the psychology of this brand of idiocy of we wanted. Maybe these people were never told that they were wrong as children. Maybe they were indulged too much. Maybe they have a deep-seeded need for attention and don't care how they get it. When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter. What really matters is that we know how to distinguish these people from those who are actually able to help.

Many all-knowing idiots don't pursue higher education or don't make it all the way through. It's just because the professors are out to get them, though. After all, educators are all jealous of the sheer genius of these almighty brains. They don't want students who know more than them and could teach the class better.

If someone jumps into any random conversation that they overhear, they might be one of these idiots. They will inevitably offer advice on whatever you're talking about. After all, they are experts. They have taken a class on this or attended a conference about that. They know someone who went through the same thing or read about something similar in a magazine.

No matter how you personally choose to pick out these idiots in a crowd, just make sure that you can. Don't trust someone who can do no wrong - someone who won't admit that they don't have all of the answers. You'll wind up making yourself look like an idiot if you're not careful.

Lazy Idiots

Being a senior in college, being lazy sounds like a luxury. If I get a free day and don't have too much homework, you can bet I'll be in my pajamas all day and take a long bubble bath. I don't want to think about doing anything on days like this besides a little reading and maybe some TV. But the most luxurious, hard-to-get thing of all is that glorious sleep. It doesn't come very often when I have to stay up late doing homework or working one of my two jobs.

I'm okay with taking a lazy day every now and then, though. I feel like I've earned it. They are rare and precious because of all of the other crazy things I have going on. Other people don't know how to value something like that because they don't know what it means to actually work hard. They waste their lives on nothingness until they realize that they are past their prime and mooching off someone else. They are idiots.

This happens pretty frequently with college freshmen. They don't know what it means to put real effort into something, and it takes them completely by surprise when they don't just skim by. For many of them, they are also having to support themselves (at least partially) on a financial level for the first time. They either have to learn to adapt or drop out.

Other people never really learn that lesson. They don't try to better themselves. They don't look for work. They don't try to gain independence. They just look for handouts.

This is not meant to target any demographic or financial bracket, though. Laziness comes from all walks of life. It can appear in the form of a person who never tries to get off welfare, or it can be a rich heiress who doesn't know what it means to work for something.

Personally, I'm thinking of a family member who was fired in June for never showing up to work. He lives with my grandmother and doesn't pay rent. He helps her out around the house, but he hasn't even looked for a job. He worked at a haunted house for less than a month over Halloween, and now nothing else can compare. He was given a car, has free satellite and internet, and makes no effort to move up in life.

I just don't understand it. Yes, laziness can be great in moderation, but taking it to the extreme is just idiotic.

Movie-Going Idiots

Just about everyone loves a good movie, but a theater atmosphere is something special. After all, you don't shell out the money to see a movie if you don't plan on enjoying it. But some people just don't seem to know how to behave at movies. Quite frankly they are idiots. You might want to contest this fact, but all it takes is a look around the theater to see the glares that everyone aims at these people. Anyone who makes that many enemies in an hour and a half is clearly an idiot.

There are several types of movie-going idiots, though. I went to see The Hunger Games this weekend, and the theater was packed. Needless to say, we had several idiots in the bunch.

Group Idiots: These are most often teenagers. Usually, they are loud, obnoxious, and downright rude. They might throw popcorn or yell at each other. They are prone to kicking the backs of the chairs in front of them and talking throughout the movie. If you sit anywhere around them, you're probably not going to have a great cinematic experience.

Phone Idiots: This one is a pretty big category, mostly due to the many things people can do one their phones these days. They range from people who just won't silence their phones to the ones who text people the entire time. Some people are even bold enough to answer their phones and have conversations in the middle of the movie. The latest trend, though, is the Internet during the movies. I have no idea why you would pay to go to a movie and then sit and play on your phone while ignoring it the whole time. Nothing about phone idiots annoys me more than the bright white screen shining in your face when the people in front of you decide that they just have to check their mail and get on Facebook.


Undiscerning Idiots: Mostly, this group consists of parents who have no gauge on what their children should watch. Someone brought a child who looked to be about four or five to see The Hunger Games when I went. Why would you let your small child watch a movie about kids killing each other? Some other people fit into this category, though. They can also be people who simply know nothing about the movie that they're seeing. Questions usually follow. Loudly. They may mumble under their breath about how it isn't what they thought it was or bother the person next to them to explain the plot. It's one thing if the movie just isn't what you expected it to be, but a little research helps. At least watch the trailer!

Parenting Idiots: Yes, some of this overlaps with the undiscerning idiot category, but mostly, these idiots just bring small children to movies simply because they don't believe in hiring babysitters. It really ruins the mood of a great movie when you keep hearing a kid talking loudly or running in the aisles. The worst, though, is when they bring infants. Someone did that this weekend, and she happened to be buying her ticket right in front of me in line. She asked what the theater capacity was and how many seats were left because she "didn't want to disturb too many people." The theater was packed, but it apparently still fit into her definition of a small crowd. Granted, she did a pretty good job of taking the baby out when it started whimpering, so we never heard the full out wails. Regardless, she missed huge chunks of the movie because she chose to bring her infant with her.

The unwritten rules of movie-going are pretty standard. When it comes down to it, if you aren't courteous, you're kind of an idiot.

Dramatic Idiots

We all know the type. They are like circling piranhas, feeding on attention and drama. They don't care who they hurt, not really, but they will pretend to be your friend if it makes things more interesting. In the end, though, it's pretty easy to see through their "sweet" persona and see them for what they are - idiots.

Eventually, dramatic idiots become nomads in a way. They have no friends (all of them have been chased away by the drama) and they need to find new stomping grounds. I recently had an encounter with one such idiot. She took up residence in my church, telling everyone a sob story about her sad life to get attention, but she had something about her that always seemed off balance. She always had a baby. I mean ALWAYS. Some were from friends. Some were babies that she kept in a daycare and offered to keep over the weekend. It was really kind of creepy.

Anyway, one of the babies that she frequently brought to church was just a few days old. She told everyone how sad it was that the child's parents wouldn't take care of it and how heartbreaking it was that they let her have their daughter so often (never mind that these people were her friends and that she asked to keep the baby). One day, she told a particular lady in the church that she needed to adopt the baby. She said that the parents didn't want another child and it would be easier to do an adoption through the church.

This particular woman had been trying to have a baby for over ten years with no luck. She jumped at the opportunity, bonding with the baby and even keeping her all day while the parents were supposedly ironing out the details.

And then it all came out. The parents never wanted to give the baby up for adoption. In fact, the drama queen had never even mentioned it to them. She was just stirring up drama.

Shortly after that, the woman left our church to go to a new one with more unsuspecting victims. It makes me wonder how many times she had done something like this in the past. To the people affected by her drama, she is just another idiot looking for attention and some sense of validation.

So if you ever feel the need to wear a white gown to your friend's wedding or spread ridiculous rumors about someone, think about how idiotic it will make you look.

Designer Idiots

In my humble opinion, not much is more idiotic than having an obsession with designer EVERYTHING. I suppose it isn't so bad if you have the money and can afford to throw it away. I guess I could go off on a rant about how there are much nobler, worthier things that need your money, but I won't. No, what really gets me is people blowing their money on designer products when they really need it for something else.

You know the people I'm talking about. They live in a trailer that looks like it's about to collapse, but they have a brand new Hummer and a collector's model sports car. They get by on hot dogs and Spam but make sure that they have that Coach handbag and those Versace sunglasses.

These people are idiots. Why is it so important to have a big name on all of your crap? I get buying things of quality, but most designer swag is more about branding than quality. Sunglasses from Gucci scratch and get lost just like the ones from the dollar store. When it comes down to it, is brand name really so important that you want to give up all of the other things that you need?

I used to work with a woman who would come in bragging about all of the wonderful things that she bought on her shopping sprees. The next week, she would come in complaining about how she couldn't afford to buy diapers for her kid (a serious issue when you work at a daycare). She worked about fifteen hours a week at minimum wage, her husband wouldn't look for a job, and she had maxed out her student loan eligibility, leaving her thousands of dollars in debt. Still, she and her husband owned three nice cars and a suped up motorcycle on top of her shopping addiction.

When it comes down to it, the real idiots are those who are caught up in materialism and can't manage their money. If you want to look cute but can't afford designer clothes, learn to let go of the name brand. It's not the end of the world. Just get used to becoming Walmart chic!

Weather Idiots

Admittedly, I'm not the most cautious person when it comes to bad weather. I've never had a basement or a storm shelter, so I've always just tried to stay away from windows and wait it out. I check the weather radars and forecasts, but I don't cancel all of my plans if everything looks clear and shows no immediate danger.

Some people, though, have absolutely no common sense when it comes to weather safety. If your first thought when you hear a tornado warning is to grab Bubba and jump into the truck to chase the storm, you are an idiot.

And it seems that idiots are out in abundance when severe weather strikes. You would think that they would learn something after all of the disaster that hit the South last April, but that just doesn't seem to be the case.

 It's one thing to take a picture if you happen to be stuck somewhere during a storm or can catch a glimpse after it has already passed. This picture was taken Friday in Muscle Shoals, AL when the person knew for certain the the tornado would miss the town. It might still be idiotic to stand outside when a storm is anywhere close, but it had already passed the danger zone at that point, making it a little safer.



Of course, I'm not labeling all storm chasers as idiots. Some of them actually know what they are doing. They are scientists of some sort that follow these monsters to learn how they react. All in all, it's done in an attempt to keep people safe with what information they can gather and apply. They are trained, though. They know how a storm will react to certain things and when they should take shelter - when a risk is too great. Ultimately, though, they are prepared to take those risks or they wouldn't be in that particular career.

No, the real idiots are the rednecks with cameras. This guy thought it was a great idea to throw his son in the car and have him film out of the sunroof while they drove around Tuscaloosa, AL on April 27, 2011. I'll let you judge for yourself.

Clumsy Idiots

Okay, this one is admittedly up for debate. Being clumsy doesn't automatically make you an idiot, but it can sure make you look and feel like one. Trust me. I speak from experience.

For many years, I was the clumsiest person I knew, and I don't do things by half. I had quite a long streak going in my awkward middle school years, and it didn't seem to stop with high school. For at least four years straight, I tripped or had some sort of mishap at every chorus concert I participated in, and I was very involved. I once knocked over a decorative tree on stage. Another time, my foot went through the gap in between risers at competition. I went down and took a few people with me. The list continues, both in front of an audience and in general life.

I've determined that clumsiness is a family trait, though. Even our family dog is clumsy. One of the funniest things I've ever seen was my mom and grandmother trying to change a large, florescent light bulb. They decided that I wasn't allowed to help, given my gracefully challenged past, and were determined to do it on their own. They broke at least two light bulbs and a fixture cover before admitting defeat.

A certain member of my family who shall remain nameless had a HUGE clumsy blunder right before Christmas this past year. She has refused to allow anyone to speak of it, but it's too perfect not to share. She decided to do some shopping in Hobby Lobby, but she didn't want to get caught up with a shopping cart. Instead, she opted to carry everything that she needed. She had an armful of holiday decorations when she decided to pick up some gifts. She grabbed a large picture frame and a painting before she lost her balance and came crashing down. She took out a stack of glass shelves and all of the nicknacks that were on them, broke her picture frame, and fell flat on her butt. I can just imagine her breaking out into nervous splotches as she apologized to the store manager. She did over $500 worth of damage in one clumsy swoop. Of course, she didn't have to pay for it. They were too worried that she had injured herself on their property and would sue. Luckily, all that was bruised was her pride, but it took quite a beating.

Over the years, my clumsiness has gotten better. I'm still not graceful, but I think the improvement mostly comes down to knowing things that I should avoid. For example, I never run. I only wind up hurting myself. Also, I will never paint. The last time I tried to paint walls with a roller, I somehow managed to get paint in my eye, scream, and drop the roller onto the carpet.

But maybe the only way to overcome the "clumsy idiot" status is to avoid things that could lead to disaster. "Better safe than sorry" has a whole new meaning when a klutz is involved!

Tech Idiots

We all know them - those people who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near things that are remotely electronic. Sometimes, I'm tempted to bang their heads against the computer to see if they absorb the information better that way. Unfortunately nothing seems to work. I tell the same people the exact same things over and over again, and they still don't get it.

It's one thing if someone is learning something relatively new. For example, my uncle just bought a new iPhone. He has no idea how to use it. He's never had anything close to it before. One morning at about 7:15, he was in a meeting and texted his daughter, "Are you awake?" Unfortunately, he sent it to everyone in his contacts list. In the middle of the meeting, he was getting texts from people he didn't even know asking if everything was okay. I'm betting he didn't know how to turn it on silent either.

But that is excusable. Sure, he looked like an idiot in that moment, but he'll get it down eventually. It never ceases to amaze me how many young, traditional students don't know the basics of computers, though. I have to teach at least 25 students how to use the most basic functions of Microsoft Word each semester. Students will come into the Writing Center and show their paper to me on the computer. As we begin to read through it and make some changes, it becomes clear that they don't know how to make it double spaced. They've simply gone through and pressed the enter key at the end of each line. It takes a while to fix something that they should have been doing all through high school.

I make no claims that I am a technical genius. Far from it. There are many things that I don't know, but I try to learn as I go along. Apparently, that is somewhat of a novel approach. I used to think that most people of my generation were so used to computers that they could deftly handle basic usage. I have learned, however, that when my contemporaries write on their resumes that they are "proficient with Microsoft Office," many of them are lying. I can't help but wonder what kind of rude awakening awaits both them and their future employers once they enter the job market.

But by far, the worst kind of tech idiot belongs in that group of oh-so-knowledgeable people who don't need any help. After all, we mere mortals couldn't possible offer any assistance to them as they single-handedly conquer the machine. Those are the people who make technical support services want to kill themselves.

And with that, I leave you with this funny little website that has given me hours of amusement:
http://clientsfromhell.net/

Innocent Idiots

We've all been there before. We become shining examples of foot-in-mouth syndrome without even realizing it and then wonder why everyone is laughing. Once we figure it out, we feel like prize idiots. Sometimes, it's a simple matter of not thinking. We fail to realize that what we said may be taken a different way and may even be insulting or offensive to someone else. If that is you, then I have to say - you are an idiot. Maybe there is at least some redemption, though. If you realize the error of your words and feel some sort of mortification over it, you may yet learn.

Unfortunately, it has been my experience that these embarrassing utterances are more often than not simple cases of an unsuspecting, innocent speaker walking headfirst into a hidden innuendo. Bless their poor, innocent souls. They have no idea that what they are saying is fodder for their audiences to giggle behind their hands like five-year-olds.

I, dear readers, have been a part of this group a time or two in my life. It comes from growing up sheltered and being kept ignorant of those double entendres that my sweet momma tried to keep away from my little ears. Ironically, she was usually the one to catch me saying something questionable and giggling like the afore mentioned five-year-old.

I particularly remember one such incident happening when I was about twelve years old. I was looking out the window as my mom drove down the road, and I saw where a truck had broken down on the side of the street. Luckily, a friendly neighbor with a handy set of jumper cables had come to the rescue. I, in my ignorance of both innuendos and cars (see previous post), said, "How nice of that man to jack him off."

My mom instantly burst out laughing and still brings it up to this day, ten years later.

So many cases like this spring to mind. Unfortunately, those little incidents don't stop when the mind is thoroughly corrupted with all things dirty, thus losing the innocence. Even then, we sometimes realize that what we're about to say could be twisted into a perverted meaning, and we just have to hope that we have no warped minds among us. And of course, there always are.

Auto Idiot

Well folks, I take the spot of featured idiot this week, but that’s okay. I’m not alone. You see, I am an idiot for falling into that category of helpless females who know nothing about cars. Most days, I couldn’t even tell you what kind of car I drive. It’s gold, it has two doors, and it’s a Chevy. That’s about as far as I can make it. I do know, however, that it’s well on its way to being a piece of crap. The windows don’t fit into the door just right, making it whistle as I drive and soak me if I take it through a car wash. The front passenger side has a huge dent where someone hit it while I was in class. The radio “seek” and “volume” buttons never work, and it randomly switches over from a c.d. to a station of pure static.

And to add to the list of problems, I found out over the weekend that my trunk leaks. I rarely use my trunk, so it was good and mildewed before I discovered it. Two paintings that had been in there forever were ruined, the carpet and padding underneath were completely soaked, and water was pooling under the spare tire.

Luckily, my dad thinks himself to be somewhat of a handyman.

I suppose it isn’t fair to call my dad an idiot. He gets the job done…eventually…in his own way. He’s just redneck savvy. For this particular project, he drilled a hole clean through the bottom of my trunk to let the water drain out. We still don’t know where the water came from and need to replace the carpet, but by golly, that water’s gonna drain!

This isn’t the first time that I’ve needed his special expertise with my poor car. Last year, my battery wouldn’t hold a charge because something was draining it. Dad, like the problem solver he is, slowly unhooked everything in my car until it would stay alive. Nothing in my passenger side door works now, but at least the battery keeps a charge.

Another time, the battery wouldn’t crank as I was leaving school. Dad showed up with a large wrench and told me that whenever that happened, I just needed to hit things under the hood until it worked again. Surprisingly, it did.

When my power window stopped working, my dad took off the inside door panel, which was as far as he got before admitting defeat. (Another reason he’s not an idiot – he knows when to take it to a mechanic.) I had to drive around with wires and a power box hanging out of my exposed door before I could get it to a mechanic.

Anyway, as we were removing the wet odds and ends from my trunk (Dad told me to put them in the floorboard of his rickety old truck to dry), I noticed that I had a rusty jack and the tools to remove lug nuts. It was news to me. I had heard of people talk about changing a tire on the side of the road and wondered how they did it without a jack. I just always thought to myself that I could never do that. Of course, I didn’t know that my car actually had a spare tire until we pulled up the carpet.

My dad informed me that all cars had to have spare tires and jacks. Before this, I was proud of myself for having jumper cables and knowing how to use them.

Suffice it to say, I don’t know very much about cars, which will probably get me in trouble when my dad isn’t there to rescue me. So yes, I am an idiot, but I am an idiot who is learning. I now know that I have a jack and spare tire (never mind that I have no idea how to use them) and that I can get my car to start by banging on things under the hood. I still can’t tell you what kind of car I drive, though. I think it has either the word sea or bird in the name. That should suffice, don’t you think?

Errant Tongues

I think that every college student dreams of someday using that oh so important education to get a job at some elusive place without idiots. Sorry, kids. It's not going to happen. Idiots are everywhere. They come in all different shapes and sizes, but they show up in abundance. Some idiots are funny. Some make you want to slap them. Some are even dangerous. But the terrible truth is that we've all been idiots at one time or another. I have certainly had my fair share of idiotic moments.

Lately, I've been noticing several fleeting moments of idiocy - mainly the kind that comes from saying the wrong thing. Just the other day, I told someone that a Latin American person was translating something in Latin instead of in Spanish. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I knew that I had misspoken. Unfortunately, my sister caught it, too.

One of my favorite examples of this is several years old. My friend (we'll call her Gertrude) had one of those gloriously horrible moments when her brain just wasn't working in conjunction with her mouth. Of course, she can be excused because she was in the 10th grade at the time, but it was still hilarious. I had mentioned something about the family from Nepal at my church. The ensuing conversation went a little like this:

Gertrude: Nepal...isn't that in California?
Me: No, Gertrude. That's Napa.
Gertrude: Oh! Nepal is in Italy, right?
Me: No Gertrude. That's Naples. Nepal is a country next to India. Mount Everest is in Nepal.
Gertrude: Oh! I never got why Mount Everest was in Nepal. I mean, it has our presidents' faces carved in it?

Conversations like this seem to happen around me quite often. I'm not sure why that is, but another infamous one in my circle of friends happened around the same time. This one was between another friend (we'll call her Ernestine) and her sister while they were watching the Olympics on TV from Athens, Greece. Ernestine said:

"This is in Greece? Is that even still a country? What do they speak there? Grecian?"

I have, of course, never let either of them live these moments down. I will say, though, that both Gertrude and Ernestine are very successful at their own universities and are both well on their way to taking their chosen fields by storm. One is now a nationally renowned singer and the other has been lauded for her humanitarian efforts in her community and won a prestigious position among her fellow students.

Moments like this are fleeting, but they make for interesting memories. I'm sure everyone out there has had some sort of slip of the tongue or mouth/brain disconnect. The important thing is never to forget about them and tease your friends mercilessly.