Clumsy Idiots

Okay, this one is admittedly up for debate. Being clumsy doesn't automatically make you an idiot, but it can sure make you look and feel like one. Trust me. I speak from experience.

For many years, I was the clumsiest person I knew, and I don't do things by half. I had quite a long streak going in my awkward middle school years, and it didn't seem to stop with high school. For at least four years straight, I tripped or had some sort of mishap at every chorus concert I participated in, and I was very involved. I once knocked over a decorative tree on stage. Another time, my foot went through the gap in between risers at competition. I went down and took a few people with me. The list continues, both in front of an audience and in general life.

I've determined that clumsiness is a family trait, though. Even our family dog is clumsy. One of the funniest things I've ever seen was my mom and grandmother trying to change a large, florescent light bulb. They decided that I wasn't allowed to help, given my gracefully challenged past, and were determined to do it on their own. They broke at least two light bulbs and a fixture cover before admitting defeat.

A certain member of my family who shall remain nameless had a HUGE clumsy blunder right before Christmas this past year. She has refused to allow anyone to speak of it, but it's too perfect not to share. She decided to do some shopping in Hobby Lobby, but she didn't want to get caught up with a shopping cart. Instead, she opted to carry everything that she needed. She had an armful of holiday decorations when she decided to pick up some gifts. She grabbed a large picture frame and a painting before she lost her balance and came crashing down. She took out a stack of glass shelves and all of the nicknacks that were on them, broke her picture frame, and fell flat on her butt. I can just imagine her breaking out into nervous splotches as she apologized to the store manager. She did over $500 worth of damage in one clumsy swoop. Of course, she didn't have to pay for it. They were too worried that she had injured herself on their property and would sue. Luckily, all that was bruised was her pride, but it took quite a beating.

Over the years, my clumsiness has gotten better. I'm still not graceful, but I think the improvement mostly comes down to knowing things that I should avoid. For example, I never run. I only wind up hurting myself. Also, I will never paint. The last time I tried to paint walls with a roller, I somehow managed to get paint in my eye, scream, and drop the roller onto the carpet.

But maybe the only way to overcome the "clumsy idiot" status is to avoid things that could lead to disaster. "Better safe than sorry" has a whole new meaning when a klutz is involved!

Tech Idiots

We all know them - those people who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near things that are remotely electronic. Sometimes, I'm tempted to bang their heads against the computer to see if they absorb the information better that way. Unfortunately nothing seems to work. I tell the same people the exact same things over and over again, and they still don't get it.

It's one thing if someone is learning something relatively new. For example, my uncle just bought a new iPhone. He has no idea how to use it. He's never had anything close to it before. One morning at about 7:15, he was in a meeting and texted his daughter, "Are you awake?" Unfortunately, he sent it to everyone in his contacts list. In the middle of the meeting, he was getting texts from people he didn't even know asking if everything was okay. I'm betting he didn't know how to turn it on silent either.

But that is excusable. Sure, he looked like an idiot in that moment, but he'll get it down eventually. It never ceases to amaze me how many young, traditional students don't know the basics of computers, though. I have to teach at least 25 students how to use the most basic functions of Microsoft Word each semester. Students will come into the Writing Center and show their paper to me on the computer. As we begin to read through it and make some changes, it becomes clear that they don't know how to make it double spaced. They've simply gone through and pressed the enter key at the end of each line. It takes a while to fix something that they should have been doing all through high school.

I make no claims that I am a technical genius. Far from it. There are many things that I don't know, but I try to learn as I go along. Apparently, that is somewhat of a novel approach. I used to think that most people of my generation were so used to computers that they could deftly handle basic usage. I have learned, however, that when my contemporaries write on their resumes that they are "proficient with Microsoft Office," many of them are lying. I can't help but wonder what kind of rude awakening awaits both them and their future employers once they enter the job market.

But by far, the worst kind of tech idiot belongs in that group of oh-so-knowledgeable people who don't need any help. After all, we mere mortals couldn't possible offer any assistance to them as they single-handedly conquer the machine. Those are the people who make technical support services want to kill themselves.

And with that, I leave you with this funny little website that has given me hours of amusement:
http://clientsfromhell.net/

Innocent Idiots

We've all been there before. We become shining examples of foot-in-mouth syndrome without even realizing it and then wonder why everyone is laughing. Once we figure it out, we feel like prize idiots. Sometimes, it's a simple matter of not thinking. We fail to realize that what we said may be taken a different way and may even be insulting or offensive to someone else. If that is you, then I have to say - you are an idiot. Maybe there is at least some redemption, though. If you realize the error of your words and feel some sort of mortification over it, you may yet learn.

Unfortunately, it has been my experience that these embarrassing utterances are more often than not simple cases of an unsuspecting, innocent speaker walking headfirst into a hidden innuendo. Bless their poor, innocent souls. They have no idea that what they are saying is fodder for their audiences to giggle behind their hands like five-year-olds.

I, dear readers, have been a part of this group a time or two in my life. It comes from growing up sheltered and being kept ignorant of those double entendres that my sweet momma tried to keep away from my little ears. Ironically, she was usually the one to catch me saying something questionable and giggling like the afore mentioned five-year-old.

I particularly remember one such incident happening when I was about twelve years old. I was looking out the window as my mom drove down the road, and I saw where a truck had broken down on the side of the street. Luckily, a friendly neighbor with a handy set of jumper cables had come to the rescue. I, in my ignorance of both innuendos and cars (see previous post), said, "How nice of that man to jack him off."

My mom instantly burst out laughing and still brings it up to this day, ten years later.

So many cases like this spring to mind. Unfortunately, those little incidents don't stop when the mind is thoroughly corrupted with all things dirty, thus losing the innocence. Even then, we sometimes realize that what we're about to say could be twisted into a perverted meaning, and we just have to hope that we have no warped minds among us. And of course, there always are.

Auto Idiot

Well folks, I take the spot of featured idiot this week, but that’s okay. I’m not alone. You see, I am an idiot for falling into that category of helpless females who know nothing about cars. Most days, I couldn’t even tell you what kind of car I drive. It’s gold, it has two doors, and it’s a Chevy. That’s about as far as I can make it. I do know, however, that it’s well on its way to being a piece of crap. The windows don’t fit into the door just right, making it whistle as I drive and soak me if I take it through a car wash. The front passenger side has a huge dent where someone hit it while I was in class. The radio “seek” and “volume” buttons never work, and it randomly switches over from a c.d. to a station of pure static.

And to add to the list of problems, I found out over the weekend that my trunk leaks. I rarely use my trunk, so it was good and mildewed before I discovered it. Two paintings that had been in there forever were ruined, the carpet and padding underneath were completely soaked, and water was pooling under the spare tire.

Luckily, my dad thinks himself to be somewhat of a handyman.

I suppose it isn’t fair to call my dad an idiot. He gets the job done…eventually…in his own way. He’s just redneck savvy. For this particular project, he drilled a hole clean through the bottom of my trunk to let the water drain out. We still don’t know where the water came from and need to replace the carpet, but by golly, that water’s gonna drain!

This isn’t the first time that I’ve needed his special expertise with my poor car. Last year, my battery wouldn’t hold a charge because something was draining it. Dad, like the problem solver he is, slowly unhooked everything in my car until it would stay alive. Nothing in my passenger side door works now, but at least the battery keeps a charge.

Another time, the battery wouldn’t crank as I was leaving school. Dad showed up with a large wrench and told me that whenever that happened, I just needed to hit things under the hood until it worked again. Surprisingly, it did.

When my power window stopped working, my dad took off the inside door panel, which was as far as he got before admitting defeat. (Another reason he’s not an idiot – he knows when to take it to a mechanic.) I had to drive around with wires and a power box hanging out of my exposed door before I could get it to a mechanic.

Anyway, as we were removing the wet odds and ends from my trunk (Dad told me to put them in the floorboard of his rickety old truck to dry), I noticed that I had a rusty jack and the tools to remove lug nuts. It was news to me. I had heard of people talk about changing a tire on the side of the road and wondered how they did it without a jack. I just always thought to myself that I could never do that. Of course, I didn’t know that my car actually had a spare tire until we pulled up the carpet.

My dad informed me that all cars had to have spare tires and jacks. Before this, I was proud of myself for having jumper cables and knowing how to use them.

Suffice it to say, I don’t know very much about cars, which will probably get me in trouble when my dad isn’t there to rescue me. So yes, I am an idiot, but I am an idiot who is learning. I now know that I have a jack and spare tire (never mind that I have no idea how to use them) and that I can get my car to start by banging on things under the hood. I still can’t tell you what kind of car I drive, though. I think it has either the word sea or bird in the name. That should suffice, don’t you think?